Generally speaking......

Love, Truth, and Me

2006-01-03T16:38:00.000+05:30

I hereby notify that all charecters and situations mentioned in the writeup are fictional and any resemblance to anyone dead or alive, past or present is puerly coincidential and none of my bussiness.

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“Love is wasted on the worthless” – that’s an original by ME.

So, the thing is, I don’t believe in love. There was a time when I did believe in it though. I have a story about love. I had this friend back in junior college who was like the smartest guy of our class. The way the final exams are conducted is that students from different colleges sit together and give them. This I guess ensures uniformity and all that crap. Well anyway, so during our finals, we sat in the same room. There was this very pretty girl who sat right in front of my friend. So, just before the first exam started, she confided in him that she wasn’t prepared for the exam at all, on account of ill health or something like that. Well, nice guy that my friend was, he ended up helping her throughout the exam. Just incase you were wondering what the word is that describes the act, its ‘cheating’. And, just to add, its not legal in our country either. Over the next fortnight, for about 8 exams, my friend ended up helping her in all the tests. It was really funny from my point of view actually. This is how the events went on:

- She used to come to the classroom about 5 minutes to the exam.

- Smile a bight one for my friend, who more or less used to get blinded I guess from that point onwards.

- Then she used to wish him luck with a head tilt (still cant understand why).

- In the remaining 3 minutes or so, she used to tell my friend how under-prepared she was for the exam.

- Both of them used to cheat for the next 3 hours or so.

- She used to leave with a thank you very much ! what would have happened if you weren’t here ! and some other dialogues with similar effect.

Anyway, coming to the point, on the last day of the exam, about 10 minutes to go to the exam, my friend tells me that he’s in love. Good friend that I am, I tell him to wake up! I tell him to get real ! I tell him to smell the coffee!. Well, nothing works, and 6 minutes to go to the exam, we end up discussing what are good ways of proposing a girl. Well, she comes, they cheat, exam ends, and just as she says her final goodbye and how she will never forget my friend, he tells her he’s in love with her. This is the moment I can never forget in my life. In about 2.3 milliseconds (i’m guessing), her expressions changed from that of gratitude to that of animosity. She slaps him, and starts crying (maybe she hurt her hand or something) and runs out of the room. Shocked and depressed, my friend jumps out of the window opposite the door. I jump after him and try and console him, as we walk back to the parking lot. And just incase you were wondering, we were on the ground floor, so jumping out the window didn’t do us much harm.

So, as we were contemplating what must have gone wrong to our fool-proof plan, 4 guys approach us and pretty much beat us up black and blue. Oh, there were shades of red too. Turns out, one of the four guys that beat us up was the girls’ brother. So, now, depressed, shocked and bleeding, we were walking to the nearest clinic supporting each other, my friend (did I mention he was smart?) comes up with, what he called for the next 4 years, ‘THE most brilliant idea ever’. He dragged me to the nearest shop, bought a white sheet of paper and wrote that girl a love letter with his blood. We made sure she got the letter that very day. I don’t understand why or how girls fall for these kind of stupid acts of so called, love. Anyway, what followed was about 4 years of them being ‘together’.

About 4 years, 3 months and 2 days after the day of ‘THE brilliant idea’, this girl slaps my friend over a petty fight. What follows that fights is a breakup. Couple of months later, the girl gets married to some guy. My friend now has a new girlfriend and he is making plans to elope as you read this.

Do you still want me to believe in love?

portait of hand ?

2005-12-14T20:50:00.000+05:30

its wot it says....... i know its not colorful....nor its covering the whole board....but i thought its cool.....wot do u think? oh btw....the painting below this......won the prize :) ......yeah....that means me !

Painting competetion

2005-11-30T11:26:00.000+05:30

So, painting competetion in office and I submitted my entry a day late.....stayed up all night..took me about 5 hrs to get the shadows and details right.......... showed it to a friend....who's learning design...and she said...its a waste....just becoz....it took 5 hrs. well anyway......I think its okay.... The best part that happned in the competetion (.......the theme was 'paint my world') .........is it stood out..........becoz all the other paintings were all colorful and bright and happy........ guess sometimes ppl forget that being sad ...gloomy ....is part of life.....just an other emotion everyone has to go through..... wish me luck...the results aren't out as yet :)

2005-11-18T15:16:00.000+05:30

well....not many ppl guessed what this meant...... these were roots (ppl didnt like the concept of them coming from beneath !) .....and the intention was to show, that i'm 'underground' for the time ...... underground as in...keeping a low profile.... wot do u guys think??

Angel shot down

2005-10-10T14:03:00.000+05:30

latest update of my whiteboard..... I am told, that whiteboards are for writing down reminders and to-do's...........but I guess no one really minds that I use them for all this...:)

Birthday at office

2005-09-23T09:51:00.000+05:30

Last week was my birthday, 18th September. Got a nice cake and lots of Birthday bumps.....fun overall.

Good Bad and the.....Human !

2005-09-05T19:09:00.000+05:30

Thats the department in Google I work in......the good the bad and the....HUMAN ......OTE.

Calvin and Hobbes- whiteboard

2005-09-01T15:10:00.000+05:30

I love "Calvin and Hobbes" ........tell me wot u guys think about this one.. PS. It'll be a while before I actually write something on the blog.....I guess....articles and all...

updated whiteboard.......AGAIN !

2005-08-25T19:02:00.000+05:30

looks like all i'm doing nowadays is changing my whiteboard. doesnt mean i have too much time or anything.......just that, i'm having a good time trying to be creative at my artwork.

Whiteboard update !

2005-08-22T13:51:00.000+05:30

Change of outlook towards life !! Feeling more positive towards life, added a little color to my whiteboard :)

template says it all ......

2005-08-01T16:28:00.000+05:30

the template is supposed to say something.....something about me...something about thing I do...things I like.............. wot do u think it says now???

Going Public !

2005-07-27T10:27:00.000+05:30

this is how my desk looks like......pretty cool huh ! original art, incase anyone is doubting my skill ....lol.

Love Vs Lust

2005-07-20T09:23:00.000+05:30

I think it was about 3 hr past the midnight when the phone rang. The warm summer breeze was flowing right through the window, right into my face. I struggled to my feet, and walked towards the blasting rings, going more by instinct, than by choice. My underwear, stuck at my ankles really didn't help my cause. I made a mental note to myself, to kick it completely off before going to sleep.(One of the few good things about staying alone).

At last, grabbed the phone and before I could start cursing away, a very beleaguered, dispirited, crestfallen kind of voice on the other end of the line started speaking in a very incoherent, unintelligible gasps, which I recognized as friends’ of mine. Well call him 's' because of a lot of reasons that I really don't remember to mention here. If you really want to know why we'll be calling him 's', I can lie for you. We'll call him 's' because, that way, we can create an air of mystery, we can make this guy look less stupid, and I dont have to type his really big name again and again.

Well, 's' finally slowed down, stopped crying, started breathing and told me he was in need of something huge from me. I was getting ready to say 'yes' if he asked me for a kidney or my girlfriend or for that matter, my girlfriends' kidney, when he asked me, "I don't understand my girl", and continued in the same tone, " is this love, lust or something else? "

Being the very helpful and nice guy that I am, and knowing probably I could write something about this at end of it, I decided to help 's' out in anyway that I possibly could. It's like my friends keep saying about me, " you are so modest !! " sounding as sarcastic as they can and I keep replying," I'm very proud of the fact that I'm very modest" sounding as modest as I can. Well, I promised 's' I'd come up with some answers soon and decided to investigage myself what the thing was with love and lust and all the hoopla about it.

The best way, I decided, was to meet some friends and ask them what they thought, and if that didn't work, I figured, there are lots of people who have nothing to do at any time of the day and they wouldn't mind, me asking their valued opinion. And i knew where to find those kind of people, because I knew all the malls in the city. Although the first thing I did was to go and check out the dictionary for the words love and lust, a habit which I'm trying to inculcate, only because this girl I have a crush on lately does it all the time. Anyway, that wasn't of much help, so lets not go into that.

Well, I got some awesome answers, I have to admit. I have some really awesome ones, funny as hell, some not suitable for children to read, some very outrageous and some really serious opinions. I've decided to go for the funny ones first.

I first went to this friend of mine, who I think actually inspired Bon Jovi to write and sing, "In and out of love". He has been in about 6 serious relationships, in the last 2 years that I have known him. I never dared to ask him how many before and how many on the agenda or the waiting list. So anyway, in his own words," you know its lust when you compare the breasts of your girlfriend with other girls". Well, if there is anyone who knows about this stuff, he's the one. I take his word, rock solid.

Then, there were the usual answers about going weak in the knees to life revoling around person and the general answers you all get to hear in the movies. I guess I'll stick with the funny ones. I went to this mall, where there was this couple and I decided to get their opinion. The guy said that love and lust have to be there in a relationship for it to work out, and the girl disagreed. I guess they didn't have both, and I'm glad to have bought it to their notice. I guess its not necessary for me to tell you all that they didn't leave together.

Anyway, there were these guys who were hanging out around the mall, and I asked them for the first thing that came to their mind.So, here goes my record,

guy1: depends if you want miss right or miss right now.

guy2: (points towards two girls walking together) definitely lust with girls like those.

guy3: u know.....aahh....

guy4: elvis rocks

guy2: (pointing elsewhere (i thought he pointed towards some guys!! (i'm not judging))) I can fall in love with them

guy3: aaahhhh...............its like.....hmmmmmm.....

guy1: listen to 21Qs by 50 cent man, u'll understand for sure.

guy 4: come on dude (encouraging guy3), you can do it

guy3: (now looking very serious) lust is like washing your hands clean before picking up a dirty spoon and eating food. love is eating with dirty hands.

guy1,2,4,me: (trying very hard to contemplate) good one man, great

Well, I guess I have to fall in love myself to understand what he meant. Probably some people who are reading this will surely understand what he means. Incase you do, please do try and explain it to me too.

Then, I went back home and called some friends to get their perspective. One guy said, lust is like enjoying Brian Lara hitting a century while love is like Sachin Tendulkar hitting a century. I kinda wanted to agree with him. Then there was this other guy, who slammed down the phone saying, "I don't have a girlfriend man, life sucks. The only thing that can get me a girlfriend is either hope, or plastic surgery". I really wanted to tell him girls not always go for good looking guys. How many times haven't we guys seen awesome babes with these stupid looking guys? Tonnes of times, right. So, maybe time has come for you to be the ugly stupid guy with the good looking girl.

I also got a pretty unique answer, when I asked this girl I know. She said," Love is being able to wait. Lust is when time is a big factor".

Hmm, that got me thinking. Time and space discussing love and lust huh. I wish Newton was here to help. Then there was this guy who said," both love and lust are like cancer, lust is malignant while love is benign". I don't really agree. Why compare with something negative, is all I ask.

Well, all this took a day, and when I went to 's' to make him understand everything, he was already cozy and back with his girl. So, glad I wasn't of too much help. I guess this is something for everyone to figure out for themselves.

If u go and ask Sigmund Freud he'd probably say, there is nothing called love, everything is lust. He'd probably even say that love is a uncovered form of lust. If you ask Mahatma Gandhi, he'll tell u there is nothing called lust and that any feeling of affection can be one or a different form of love. If u ask me, I'll say there's neither love or lust. I beleive in what the Wachowski brothers(makers of Matrix triology) say, in their script about 'Karma'. Its just a word, what is important is the connection that you create in your mind about it. What is important is the state of mind that is attached to the word. The important thing is what you want to beleive the word means.

Or, incase you want to settle for Shakespere, here goes,

"Love comeforteth like sunshine after rain,

But Lust's effect is tempest after the sun;

Love's gentle spring doth always fresh remain,

Lust's winter comes ere summer half be done:

Love surfeits not, Lust like glutton dies;

Love is all truth, Lust full of forged lies."

William Shakespere - Venus and Adonis

random....3

2005-07-18T12:22:00.002+05:30

Dependence is hard to shake off in the matters of heart,

Visions eyes can’t see, are interpreted by the heart.

random....2

2005-07-18T12:22:00.001+05:30

Towards greener meadows I looked, brighter skies, divine ambience.

All that I wanted, just a mirage.

Deep down inside still struggling to fight, the heart that has instilled fear,

Fear of not being loved.

random....1

2005-07-18T12:22:00.000+05:30

I asked myself if it was wrong to start looking at life from a newer perspective,

I asked myself if it was wrong to shake off all the bindings and break all the chains, just to be free,

I asked myself if it was wrong to understand life as it comes to you.

I didn’t get a answer.

HOPE:

2005-07-18T12:21:00.002+05:30

I am walking alone, all alone

Down the path we always used to.

The grass is no longer green,

Nor the air is warm and sweet.

It’s getting dark and it’s getting cold,

Now the fog is starting to blind me.

I step onto what was a once a meadow,

A lone flower is standing right in the middle of the barren land.

As I bend down to pick it up, a whole new world flashes before me,

One filled with happiness, joy and you.

I have a choice to make, to stay here with the bright sun and the moist air

Or go back to the barren land and the fading light.

I pick up the flower and keep walking,

Knowing reality made me bite the dust.

EXAM FEVER:

2005-07-18T12:21:00.001+05:30

I’m cornered, its dark and its getting darker.

I can see hope standing far away.

Frustration sweeps in slowly and steadily, It is backed and powered by time crunch, and is boosted by lack of self-confidence.

Tension prevails as the top contender to beat me at what it is best at.

Hope now waves goodbye, I wish it were just a nightmare and I could open my eyes,

Hope moves away, now just a speck of white at the end of the frozen dark tunnel.

Backed, cornered and sick of fighting, luck is ‘not’ what I believe in.

Motivation is hard to come by and there are too many distractions to fight.

To fight it out is what I decide, I have nothing to lose in the battle,

The war has just begun.

LIFE

2005-07-18T12:21:00.000+05:30

LIFE:

I’m stuck hovering over the options life has to offer.

I have started on a fresh new page, with a fresh new attitude, a fresh new outlook towards life and a rejuvenated heart.

The horizon still remains the same, no signs of clear skies above;

Closing your eyes, life flashes by,

Bringing out the harsh realities, not bothering about the person knocked over, reeling and staggering to get back on, without support.

You realize its you who is down, and life, the villain of all doesn’t care.

You live for the life you dream, never once arguing or debating with reality.

You sink back into the position life has put you in,

There is a certain sense of pleasure in the lack of strength to fight back.

BROKEN HEART:

2005-07-18T12:20:00.001+05:30

I am not what I want myself to be,

I am not what I show people I am,

I am not what people think I am,

I wish I could just be what I would believe I am.

I am a loner in a desert, walking along the ochre sand without reason or belief,

I am stuck in the swamp of confusion, not knowing whether to fight and make it worse or wait for help as I get sucked completely helpless into the bitterness of a world, depraved and lonely.

I trod the streets of a dead, naked village, with imaginary objects mocking at the ugliness of thought that has evolved and grown inside of me.

I walk the valley of uncertainty filled with fear of the heart, what all it holds and what its losing notwithstanding the decisions made, wrong or right.

Feelings of hatred towards self, drive the heart and the core of the soul into a whirlwind of pains, enough to let it go.

Utter disbelief piles upon the stack of decisions, not allowing desire, nor the love to rewrite them with a better ending.

Pain comes and goes, arteries bringing the fresh blood bring in misery and grief to each and every part of the body, pain comes and goes with every breath I take.

Now I just wish I could do better, do justice, for the sake of the integrity of love which has so righteously, stood the test of time.

Poetry anyone?

2005-07-18T12:20:00.000+05:30

and now...time for some poetry !!

something i wrote during the tsunami

2005-07-18T12:19:00.000+05:30

plss read this, not for me, not for u....but because u got this mail and because it wont kill to spend a couple of mins reading. it was supposed to be serious, before i started. but then, u know me. well, i know how much devastation of life and property has taken place in the last couple of weeks and so do u. tv, newspapers, radio, internet, its everywhere. everyone must surely have read of the numbers and expressed shock. everyone has heard stories, stories of loss, stories of suffering, stories of miraculous surivivors.And i have to say, its great to see the help coming forward from all over the world, in terms of money and food and everything. everything that can be done to protect the survivors is being done. but i think thats not wher it should stop. we have to think better, think about the future, think about wat caused the tsunami, think how we can avoid such things from happening in the future. scientists and oceanographers are predicting a bigger tidal wave somewhere in the pacific ocean sometime in the next 10 yrs and an even bigger one in the atlantic in the next 15 yrs. the instinctive reactions i get from ppl hearing this is,"oh gosh! we better not stay anywher near the ocean","we better sell off the property we have over the beach"," i think we should start saving money in case of any trouble" and that sort of things. not one asks "wat can we do to stop it from occuring" or "maybe ther is something we can do to avoid that from happening". i'm not talking about scientists or reasearchers here. they somehow pray that these things happen, so that they can learn about them and make sure they dont happen again. not that i'm saying they are bad ppl or anything, its just their job. anyway, the thing is, researchers from all over the world have arrived at a conclusion over the cause of the '04 tsunami. and the cause it turns out is pollution. pollution!! u ask, how can that be?? well, lets start at the base. the earthquake in the ocean near indonesia that caused the tidal wave, it seems, occurred because of the sea bed in that region hasnt been dug in the last 3-4 yrs. the digging in the seabed every year as u know, is done by the marine animals, fishes et all, as a part of their reproductory cycle, wherein they lay eggs. but because of the pollution of the water near the coast and it slowly venturing into the ocean, the marine life has slowly but surely evacuated the area. now wat caused these fishes and other animals to move away is pretty obvious. the sea, since a long time has been considered by us humans to be a waste disposal place. its huge, its available and its free. wat else do u need? the answer ofcourse here is, common sense. but lets not talk about it right now. nuclear waste, poisonous chemical waste disposal and the most horrifying of all, sewage. yes, u read it right, what u piss and shit everyday,without fail i might as well add, goes into the ocean. along with the other ten thousand crore people who use drainage in the world. its wat is making the sea more poisonous and the soil less fertile. and so, i have decided to pledge that everyday henceforth, i am going to piss in my garden, atleast once. imagine how much of it will stop going into the ocean, if only the other 10000 crore ppl will follow my footsteps. u'll be a part of the process helping in making the world a better place and more importantly a safer one to live in, for u and for the generations to follow. imagine how much satisfaction u'll feel just knowing ur doing ur bit for the world. plege ur oath today. PS: plss note that this piece of work is fiction, and peeing in ur garden can make ur garden smelly. :D

20th birthday....long time back btw

2005-07-18T12:18:00.001+05:30

BIRTHDAY MEMOIR

-- Sasidhar Akkiraju.

I’ll remember my 20^th Birthday the most. Staying in the Hostel makes you feel special on special occasions.

I slept early, the day before the night after (yeah! It was midnight when it all started), all of my friends decided to pay me a visit and wish me on having wasted one more glorious year of my life.

I was in the midst of a dream (a good one, I remember), and then I felt pain in my butt (doesn’t happen to me often) and my dream turned into a nightmare. Opening my eyes, I got the closest view of the ceiling fan (reminded me, I had to clean it). Then I discovered gravity (although Newton did that long ago, I’m sure it didn’t affect his back as it did to mine) and just when I thought it ended, I was made to get know gravity better (its funny when u all u get is introduced over and over again), over and over for about 20 times (not that I was counting, nor my friends are any good at math).

The “birthday bumps” (that’s what they defined the ass-kicking session as), were over. My birthday lasted for a day, and my friends had made sure the ‘bumps’ did too.

After the exhausting session of kicking ass, my friends decided to use my multipurpose bed (the good old bed…there were days I spent more than 20 hrs on it). Now imagine 16 to 18 guys, more overweight than under on a bed, a single bed, a single- old bed, a single-old-almost to pieces-bent at the middle-bed (Hard to imagine, good that I have a photo). It was two by the time they realized it was not feasible. Now I had two beds, both unusable. Not that I’m complaining (how diplomatic does that sound !!), they also gifted me back my own underpants, very neatly packed along with extra large pack of condoms (they got it at a buy one get one free offer).

Then everyone wished me luck on the coming glorious (hopefully) year and said they hoped and prayed. Hoped I get a girlfriend (as if that’s gonna happen anytime soon) and prayed for the girl I was to get (that she doesn’t get me !!).

random thought

2005-07-18T12:18:00.000+05:30

life is beautiful, just the ppl living are the dissapointment. Pitfalls, cause downfalls, more for ppl who dig them for others. isnt it funny how the most enlightening...say eye opening things happen at the most unexpected times.funny because it hits u like a bolt of lightning, right where u didnt want it to and makes u think when u dont want to.funny because, the intensity is alwys extreme, reactions always spurious, conclusions always real.Harsh realities hit u exactly when u dont want them to. ther is this rush of adreneline as we try and avoid the situation, not withstanding the pressure to stand up to morality. people preach and teach.they condecend and be pedantic.Everyone knows wat is right and wat is not.Its a very thin line between knowing and doing, accepting and acting. And the worst part about it is that this line is always very much visible. And still it gets crossed more often than not. Every man should know his weakness. he should understand his limitations. how far to go, how big to dream and most importantly, how often to test ur limits.The world would be a better place if everyone understood the importance of laws,of barriers, or morality.the world would be a better place if people regarded spirituality and religion to understand themselves and the world around them better, rather than as a means for discrimination.

i'm back !

2005-07-18T12:16:00.000+05:30

i've now decided to put on my blog, the stuff i've written long time ago. just a small request to ppl,.....dont judge me on wot i've written. this was, at the time i wrote them, just an outlet for my negativity...

Fiction 1

2005-02-08T18:00:00.000+05:30

Third day at hostel and I realised that all my plans were doomed. I had fought with my parents, lied like no one had lied before, to come to this place, in hope of a life I didnt have when i stayed with my parents. Not that I didnt have fun at my parents place, I mean I did, in the most unhappening kinda ways. I had friends, I went for dates, I went for movies, I went on weekend treks, I did what most guys staying with their parents could manage. I wanted more out of life. Come on, I was this 19 year old who, as any 19 year old would confess, wanted to get more out of life than it was on offer. I felt something was missing, something that others my age were getting, but i was being denied. There was this void, this big void, it was more like Grand canyon in between the left and the right side of my brain. I figured thats what was causing all the confusion in my head. It felt like my thoughts from one end of the brain were't able to reach to the otherside and it caused a lot of conflict, specially when it came to having fun. However hard I tried, I couldn't make myself cross that limit and have fun without actually trying to understand what I was doing. Well anyway, I spent my first two days at the hostel unpacking and getting to know others on the floor. Not many were as enthusiatic as me it turned out to come back to the college on the very first day of the semester. I wasn't assigned a room partner, so I was all by myself till then. The whole room to me. The whole matchbox, as my roommate put in, when he arrived on the third day. I call it the D day, as in that dreadful day. Maybe it was beginners luck or something of the sort I guess. First two days at the hostel, all by myself. Just when i was getting used to living life without thresholds, without limits, which meant no one to wake me up in the morning or for that matter, make me go to sleep. And it was as if God said," thats that". And then the nightmare began. Well, I dont think it would be right I guess, calling my roommate a nightmare, because he was as scary during the day too. He sounded fine when I talked to him on the 2nd night. He had called, asking me to be at the room next morning, as he was coming and he wasn't given the key to the room as yet. He called me 'dude', which no one else had. I was happy, I always imagined I'd have the most fun if I will be friends with the happening kind of guys. And he sounded like he was, and to be frank he actually was, but for all the wrong reasons. Anyway, he arrived a good couple of hours late because of which i missed my breakfast. I was on the stariway when he arrived. He looked good, tall and all. Broad shoulders, wavy hair, smiling face. He looked good. I mean, he was the kind who could be popular, with girls, with guys, lecturers, u name it. Two thoughts came to my mind. " Face is the index to the personality" and "Never judge a person by his looks". I am generally a optimist, so i decided to go with the first one. 20 mins later, I had to change my mind. Anyway, very politely he asked me if I could carry one of his bags. I said ofcourse I could and he handed me the heavier of the two. My favourite song is " Stairway to Heaven" by Led Zepplin. I'm thinking of writing a song nowadays, on the same lines. I want to call it "Stairway to Hell". Life got awful on the very first day. He talked, no no, he blabberd. He always talked. He talked on the phone, he talked to me, he talked to other guys on the floor, he talked to the watchman through the windows. Ofcourse he had to shout while talking to the watchman, but it didn't look like he minded. I, for one actually doubted that he had a mind though. He was non-stop. He was like this 24/7 radio station that I thought I hated when I was in my parents house. He was worse. And all he talked about was himself. Me this, me that. He thought he was like Micheal Jackson's Smooth Criminal. He thought he was Brad Pitt, Tom Cruise and Pierce Brosnan together. He also thought he was Newton, Einstein and Hawking. I never felt he was any of these, he just kept telling everyone he was. I just thought of him as a self centerd asshole. 4 days into my life and he made me beleive I was good for nothing. He made fun of my girlfriend, he made fun of me, he made fun of anything and everything that in any possible way could be related to me. I laughed at his jokes sometimes, but most of the time I felt bad. I told him calmly at first and then after a while, I had to shout to make my point stand out between his blabbering and his laughing. Ooh his laughing. I hated it the most. When he laughed, it always felt as if someone was trying to reach for my intestine, so that they can pull it out and wrap it around my neck and hang me by the fan. Well, its pretty much the gist of it. There was a lot more I felt, which I think would qualify for unspeakable. He also had this wierd look. He had this quiver look whenever he looked at him. His mouth would be doing its job, but his eyes would suggest he was trying to say something else. At first I thought he was gay, but then he assured me he was straight. In his words, it was " i fuk girls, u'd think i'd fuk u??? u pathetic loser". He always refered to me as 'the pathetic loser'. Whenever I tried to make him lose the habit, he added 'piece of shit' to it. So after a while I stopped, tryin to get him to stop calling me that. Anyway, what he said didn't really matter after the 4th day, because i had already learnt not to listen. He didn't have any bad habits really. He didn't drink, he didn't smoke, no drugs nothing. Though there were times I really wished he did drink, so he'd sleep peacefully and so would I. I had this fight with him on the 5th day. He had a nickname too which ofcourse he made up for himself. He wanted everyone to call him by that. He called himself that too. He somehow referred to himself in 3rd person, which scared me sometimes. He called himself " my parents 2nd biggest mistake". I felt very irritated when he called himself that, so on the 5th day, I told him how I felt about it. The next thing I knew, he flung himself from the corner he was in to the corner I was sitting in the small, saddistic room of ours. He knocked me over with an elbow to my stomach and a kick to my crotch. Punched me thrice till I pleaded " 2nd biggest mistake of your parents, stop please". Actually, he didn't really look strong and all, but I had read somewhere about power of insane people. I never tried to analyse about the fight too much, I always had a new problem thanks to my roommate. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- i wanted to describe myself, but i'm not very good at that. so i'm attaching the above pages. these are the first three pages of my previous roommates diary. i am looking for a new room partner. anyone who thinks can understand me, apply at 'coolseaguy@yahoo.com'

an alter ego is born......

2005-01-26T12:25:00.000+05:30

i dont know wat to say......i'm not used to having my thoughts to myself i guess. all i can think of now is....something i read ... " i am going to be immortal, atleast die trying" pretty self explanatory i guess. it is. i'll try and c ya...tomorrow.....yaa...now i'm talking to myself...the alter ego...this'll be fun.(i'm going crazy)....

1st

2005-01-25T02:34:00.000+05:30

well, starting my strems of thoughts.....hope ppl like this, and more imp'l i do....