I think it was about 3 hr past the midnight when the phone rang. The warm summer breeze was flowing right through the window, right into my face. I struggled to my feet, and walked towards the blasting rings, going more by instinct, than by choice. My underwear, stuck at my ankles really didn't help my cause. I made a mental note to myself, to kick it completely off before going to sleep.(One of the few good things about staying alone).

At last, grabbed the phone and before I could start cursing away, a very beleaguered, dispirited, crestfallen kind of voice on the other end of the line started speaking in a very incoherent, unintelligible gasps, which I recognized as friends’ of mine. Well call him 's' because of a lot of reasons that I really don't remember to mention here. If you really want to know why we'll be calling him 's', I can lie for you. We'll call him 's' because, that way, we can create an air of mystery, we can make this guy look less stupid, and I dont have to type his really big name again and again.

Well, 's' finally slowed down, stopped crying, started breathing and told me he was in need of something huge from me. I was getting ready to say 'yes' if he asked me for a kidney or my girlfriend or for that matter, my girlfriends' kidney, when he asked me, "I don't understand my girl", and continued in the same tone, " is this love, lust or something else? "

Being the very helpful and nice guy that I am, and knowing probably I could write something about this at end of it, I decided to help 's' out in anyway that I possibly could. It's like my friends keep saying about me, " you are so modest !! " sounding as sarcastic as they can and I keep replying," I'm very proud of the fact that I'm very modest" sounding as modest as I can. Well, I promised 's' I'd come up with some answers soon and decided to investigage myself what the thing was with love and lust and all the hoopla about it.

The best way, I decided, was to meet some friends and ask them what they thought, and if that didn't work, I figured, there are lots of people who have nothing to do at any time of the day and they wouldn't mind, me asking their valued opinion. And i knew where to find those kind of people, because I knew all the malls in the city. Although the first thing I did was to go and check out the dictionary for the words love and lust, a habit which I'm trying to inculcate, only because this girl I have a crush on lately does it all the time. Anyway, that wasn't of much help, so lets not go into that.

Well, I got some awesome answers, I have to admit. I have some really awesome ones, funny as hell, some not suitable for children to read, some very outrageous and some really serious opinions. I've decided to go for the funny ones first.

I first went to this friend of mine, who I think actually inspired Bon Jovi to write and sing, "In and out of love". He has been in about 6 serious relationships, in the last 2 years that I have known him. I never dared to ask him how many before and how many on the agenda or the waiting list. So anyway, in his own words," you know its lust when you compare the breasts of your girlfriend with other girls". Well, if there is anyone who knows about this stuff, he's the one. I take his word, rock solid.

Then, there were the usual answers about going weak in the knees to life revoling around person and the general answers you all get to hear in the movies. I guess I'll stick with the funny ones. I went to this mall, where there was this couple and I decided to get their opinion. The guy said that love and lust have to be there in a relationship for it to work out, and the girl disagreed. I guess they didn't have both, and I'm glad to have bought it to their notice. I guess its not necessary for me to tell you all that they didn't leave together.

Anyway, there were these guys who were hanging out around the mall, and I asked them for the first thing that came to their mind.So, here goes my record,

guy1: depends if you want miss right or miss right now.

guy2: (points towards two girls walking together) definitely lust with girls like those.

guy3: u know.....aahh....

guy4: elvis rocks

guy2: (pointing elsewhere (i thought he pointed towards some guys!! (i'm not judging))) I can fall in love with them

guy3: aaahhhh...............its like.....hmmmmmm.....

guy1: listen to 21Qs by 50 cent man, u'll understand for sure.

guy 4: come on dude (encouraging guy3), you can do it

guy3: (now looking very serious) lust is like washing your hands clean before picking up a dirty spoon and eating food. love is eating with dirty hands.

guy1,2,4,me: (trying very hard to contemplate) good one man, great

Well, I guess I have to fall in love myself to understand what he meant. Probably some people who are reading this will surely understand what he means. Incase you do, please do try and explain it to me too.

Then, I went back home and called some friends to get their perspective. One guy said, lust is like enjoying Brian Lara hitting a century while love is like Sachin Tendulkar hitting a century. I kinda wanted to agree with him. Then there was this other guy, who slammed down the phone saying, "I don't have a girlfriend man, life sucks. The only thing that can get me a girlfriend is either hope, or plastic surgery". I really wanted to tell him girls not always go for good looking guys. How many times haven't we guys seen awesome babes with these stupid looking guys? Tonnes of times, right. So, maybe time has come for you to be the ugly stupid guy with the good looking girl.

I also got a pretty unique answer, when I asked this girl I know. She said," Love is being able to wait. Lust is when time is a big factor".

Hmm, that got me thinking. Time and space discussing love and lust huh. I wish Newton was here to help. Then there was this guy who said," both love and lust are like cancer, lust is malignant while love is benign". I don't really agree. Why compare with something negative, is all I ask.

Well, all this took a day, and when I went to 's' to make him understand everything, he was already cozy and back with his girl. So, glad I wasn't of too much help. I guess this is something for everyone to figure out for themselves.

If u go and ask Sigmund Freud he'd probably say, there is nothing called love, everything is lust. He'd probably even say that love is a uncovered form of lust. If you ask Mahatma Gandhi, he'll tell u there is nothing called lust and that any feeling of affection can be one or a different form of love. If u ask me, I'll say there's neither love or lust. I beleive in what the Wachowski brothers(makers of Matrix triology) say, in their script about 'Karma'. Its just a word, what is important is the connection that you create in your mind about it. What is important is the state of mind that is attached to the word. The important thing is what you want to beleive the word means.

Or, incase you want to settle for Shakespere, here goes,

"Love comeforteth like sunshine after rain,

But Lust's effect is tempest after the sun;

Love's gentle spring doth always fresh remain,

Lust's winter comes ere summer half be done:

Love surfeits not, Lust like glutton dies;

Love is all truth, Lust full of forged lies."

William Shakespere - Venus and Adonis

7/21/2005 06:43:00 PM|W|P| Anonymous|W|P|I have always wanted to know a guys perspective on this! Rather informative i must say!7/21/2005 06:44:00 PM|W|P| Anonymous|W|P|I have always wanted to know a guys perspective on this! Rather informative i must say!
~remi~8/01/2005 05:06:00 PM|W|P| Gayatri|W|P|hey i totally agree about the part of really nice gals with total jerks!! or even vice versa..

perfect people almost always slip there7/18/2005 12:22:00 PM|W|P|Sasidhar|W|P|

Dependence is hard to shake off in the matters of heart,

Visions eyes can’t see, are interpreted by the heart.

|W|P|112166958027902766|W|P|random....3|W|P|sakkiraju@gmail.com7/18/2005 12:22:00 PM|W|P|Sasidhar|W|P|

Towards greener meadows I looked, brighter skies, divine ambience.

All that I wanted, just a mirage.

Deep down inside still struggling to fight, the heart that has instilled fear,

Fear of not being loved.

|W|P|112166956191112041|W|P|random....2|W|P|sakkiraju@gmail.com7/18/2005 12:22:00 PM|W|P|Sasidhar|W|P|

I asked myself if it was wrong to start looking at life from a newer perspective,

I asked myself if it was wrong to shake off all the bindings and break all the chains, just to be free,

I asked myself if it was wrong to understand life as it comes to you.

I didn’t get a answer.

|W|P|112166954198477023|W|P|random....1|W|P|sakkiraju@gmail.com7/18/2005 12:21:00 PM|W|P|Sasidhar|W|P|

I am walking alone, all alone

Down the path we always used to.

The grass is no longer green,

Nor the air is warm and sweet.

It’s getting dark and it’s getting cold,

Now the fog is starting to blind me.

I step onto what was a once a meadow,

A lone flower is standing right in the middle of the barren land.

As I bend down to pick it up, a whole new world flashes before me,

One filled with happiness, joy and you.

I have a choice to make, to stay here with the bright sun and the moist air

Or go back to the barren land and the fading light.

I pick up the flower and keep walking,

Knowing reality made me bite the dust.

|W|P|112166948450002790|W|P|HOPE:|W|P|sakkiraju@gmail.com7/18/2005 12:21:00 PM|W|P|Sasidhar|W|P|

I’m cornered, its dark and its getting darker.

I can see hope standing far away.

Frustration sweeps in slowly and steadily, It is backed and powered by time crunch, and is boosted by lack of self-confidence.

Tension prevails as the top contender to beat me at what it is best at.

Hope now waves goodbye, I wish it were just a nightmare and I could open my eyes,

Hope moves away, now just a speck of white at the end of the frozen dark tunnel.

Backed, cornered and sick of fighting, luck is ‘not’ what I believe in.

Motivation is hard to come by and there are too many distractions to fight.

To fight it out is what I decide, I have nothing to lose in the battle,

The war has just begun.

|W|P|112166951873283840|W|P|EXAM FEVER:|W|P|sakkiraju@gmail.com7/22/2005 12:25:00 AM|W|P| Anonymous|W|P|I feel the same way7/18/2005 12:21:00 PM|W|P|Sasidhar|W|P|

LIFE:

I’m stuck hovering over the options life has to offer.

I have started on a fresh new page, with a fresh new attitude, a fresh new outlook towards life and a rejuvenated heart.

The horizon still remains the same, no signs of clear skies above;

Closing your eyes, life flashes by,

Bringing out the harsh realities, not bothering about the person knocked over, reeling and staggering to get back on, without support.

You realize its you who is down, and life, the villain of all doesn’t care.

You live for the life you dream, never once arguing or debating with reality.

You sink back into the position life has put you in,

There is a certain sense of pleasure in the lack of strength to fight back.

|W|P|112166950208213189|W|P|LIFE|W|P|sakkiraju@gmail.com7/18/2005 12:20:00 PM|W|P|Sasidhar|W|P|

I am not what I want myself to be,

I am not what I show people I am,

I am not what people think I am,

I wish I could just be what I would believe I am.

I am a loner in a desert, walking along the ochre sand without reason or belief,

I am stuck in the swamp of confusion, not knowing whether to fight and make it worse or wait for help as I get sucked completely helpless into the bitterness of a world, depraved and lonely.

I trod the streets of a dead, naked village, with imaginary objects mocking at the ugliness of thought that has evolved and grown inside of me.

I walk the valley of uncertainty filled with fear of the heart, what all it holds and what its losing notwithstanding the decisions made, wrong or right.

Feelings of hatred towards self, drive the heart and the core of the soul into a whirlwind of pains, enough to let it go.

Utter disbelief piles upon the stack of decisions, not allowing desire, nor the love to rewrite them with a better ending.

Pain comes and goes, arteries bringing the fresh blood bring in misery and grief to each and every part of the body, pain comes and goes with every breath I take.

Now I just wish I could do better, do justice, for the sake of the integrity of love which has so righteously, stood the test of time.

|W|P|112166946627794032|W|P|BROKEN HEART:|W|P|sakkiraju@gmail.com12/10/2005 12:15:00 AM|W|P| Anonymous|W|P|A lot of us are struggling with who we really are who we want to be. It doesn't matter how you dealt with life before you realised you could do it better. Whats important is that you make a difference right now... have the courage to make that change, instead of dwelling on the "ifs".

Life happens... you just roll with the punches hon.7/18/2005 12:20:00 PM|W|P|Sasidhar|W|P|and now...time for some poetry !!|W|P|112166944728889976|W|P|Poetry anyone?|W|P|sakkiraju@gmail.com7/18/2005 12:19:00 PM|W|P|Sasidhar|W|P|plss read this, not for me, not for u....but because u got this mail and because it wont kill to spend a couple of mins reading. it was supposed to be serious, before i started. but then, u know me. well, i know how much devastation of life and property has taken place in the last couple of weeks and so do u. tv, newspapers, radio, internet, its everywhere. everyone must surely have read of the numbers and expressed shock. everyone has heard stories, stories of loss, stories of suffering, stories of miraculous surivivors.And i have to say, its great to see the help coming forward from all over the world, in terms of money and food and everything. everything that can be done to protect the survivors is being done. but i think thats not wher it should stop. we have to think better, think about the future, think about wat caused the tsunami, think how we can avoid such things from happening in the future. scientists and oceanographers are predicting a bigger tidal wave somewhere in the pacific ocean sometime in the next 10 yrs and an even bigger one in the atlantic in the next 15 yrs. the instinctive reactions i get from ppl hearing this is,"oh gosh! we better not stay anywher near the ocean","we better sell off the property we have over the beach"," i think we should start saving money in case of any trouble" and that sort of things. not one asks "wat can we do to stop it from occuring" or "maybe ther is something we can do to avoid that from happening". i'm not talking about scientists or reasearchers here. they somehow pray that these things happen, so that they can learn about them and make sure they dont happen again. not that i'm saying they are bad ppl or anything, its just their job. anyway, the thing is, researchers from all over the world have arrived at a conclusion over the cause of the '04 tsunami. and the cause it turns out is pollution. pollution!! u ask, how can that be?? well, lets start at the base. the earthquake in the ocean near indonesia that caused the tidal wave, it seems, occurred because of the sea bed in that region hasnt been dug in the last 3-4 yrs. the digging in the seabed every year as u know, is done by the marine animals, fishes et all, as a part of their reproductory cycle, wherein they lay eggs. but because of the pollution of the water near the coast and it slowly venturing into the ocean, the marine life has slowly but surely evacuated the area. now wat caused these fishes and other animals to move away is pretty obvious. the sea, since a long time has been considered by us humans to be a waste disposal place. its huge, its available and its free. wat else do u need? the answer ofcourse here is, common sense. but lets not talk about it right now. nuclear waste, poisonous chemical waste disposal and the most horrifying of all, sewage. yes, u read it right, what u piss and shit everyday,without fail i might as well add, goes into the ocean. along with the other ten thousand crore people who use drainage in the world. its wat is making the sea more poisonous and the soil less fertile. and so, i have decided to pledge that everyday henceforth, i am going to piss in my garden, atleast once. imagine how much of it will stop going into the ocean, if only the other 10000 crore ppl will follow my footsteps. u'll be a part of the process helping in making the world a better place and more importantly a safer one to live in, for u and for the generations to follow. imagine how much satisfaction u'll feel just knowing ur doing ur bit for the world. plege ur oath today. PS: plss note that this piece of work is fiction, and peeing in ur garden can make ur garden smelly. :D|W|P|112166941086197353|W|P|something i wrote during the tsunami|W|P|sakkiraju@gmail.com7/18/2005 12:18:00 PM|W|P|Sasidhar|W|P|

BIRTHDAY MEMOIR

-- Sasidhar Akkiraju.

I’ll remember my 20^th Birthday the most. Staying in the Hostel makes you feel special on special occasions.

I slept early, the day before the night after (yeah! It was midnight when it all started), all of my friends decided to pay me a visit and wish me on having wasted one more glorious year of my life.

I was in the midst of a dream (a good one, I remember), and then I felt pain in my butt (doesn’t happen to me often) and my dream turned into a nightmare. Opening my eyes, I got the closest view of the ceiling fan (reminded me, I had to clean it). Then I discovered gravity (although Newton did that long ago, I’m sure it didn’t affect his back as it did to mine) and just when I thought it ended, I was made to get know gravity better (its funny when u all u get is introduced over and over again), over and over for about 20 times (not that I was counting, nor my friends are any good at math).

The “birthday bumps” (that’s what they defined the ass-kicking session as), were over. My birthday lasted for a day, and my friends had made sure the ‘bumps’ did too.

After the exhausting session of kicking ass, my friends decided to use my multipurpose bed (the good old bed…there were days I spent more than 20 hrs on it). Now imagine 16 to 18 guys, more overweight than under on a bed, a single bed, a single- old bed, a single-old-almost to pieces-bent at the middle-bed (Hard to imagine, good that I have a photo). It was two by the time they realized it was not feasible. Now I had two beds, both unusable. Not that I’m complaining (how diplomatic does that sound !!), they also gifted me back my own underpants, very neatly packed along with extra large pack of condoms (they got it at a buy one get one free offer).

Then everyone wished me luck on the coming glorious (hopefully) year and said they hoped and prayed. Hoped I get a girlfriend (as if that’s gonna happen anytime soon) and prayed for the girl I was to get (that she doesn’t get me !!).

|W|P|112166937682450350|W|P|20th birthday....long time back btw|W|P|sakkiraju@gmail.com7/18/2005 12:18:00 PM|W|P|Sasidhar|W|P|life is beautiful, just the ppl living are the dissapointment. Pitfalls, cause downfalls, more for ppl who dig them for others. isnt it funny how the most enlightening...say eye opening things happen at the most unexpected times.funny because it hits u like a bolt of lightning, right where u didnt want it to and makes u think when u dont want to.funny because, the intensity is alwys extreme, reactions always spurious, conclusions always real.Harsh realities hit u exactly when u dont want them to. ther is this rush of adreneline as we try and avoid the situation, not withstanding the pressure to stand up to morality. people preach and teach.they condecend and be pedantic.Everyone knows wat is right and wat is not.Its a very thin line between knowing and doing, accepting and acting. And the worst part about it is that this line is always very much visible. And still it gets crossed more often than not. Every man should know his weakness. he should understand his limitations. how far to go, how big to dream and most importantly, how often to test ur limits.The world would be a better place if everyone understood the importance of laws,of barriers, or morality.the world would be a better place if people regarded spirituality and religion to understand themselves and the world around them better, rather than as a means for discrimination.|W|P|112166933090487846|W|P|random thought|W|P|sakkiraju@gmail.com7/18/2005 12:16:00 PM|W|P|Sasidhar|W|P|i've now decided to put on my blog, the stuff i've written long time ago. just a small request to ppl,.....dont judge me on wot i've written. this was, at the time i wrote them, just an outlet for my negativity...|W|P|112166928768654428|W|P|i'm back !|W|P|sakkiraju@gmail.com